I remember this xmas eve, I was just too happy to see another year end so I went to a bar to give myself a treat. Luckily, Trophy was running a promo of buy two, get one free. I was so glad cos my budget was just a thousand naira. So with that, I can buy 4 and get two free and still keep a change of 200 naira (who says life is not good)…I was on my 5th bottle when Mufu came in and as it was a festive period, he bought me 3 more, making 9 bottles to myself…See awoof o…Omo, see peefing…
I drank the chilled trophy to the disappointment of the devil and to the glory of the saints. While sitting and enjoying the brewed chemical, I didn’t know what was brewing up inside of me until it was time to go home. My legs were not in agreement with my head. The bar became bigger for me and to make matter worse, my innerman took over. Like a Mount Zion movie of old…I started hearing voices. One said “Guy…u don waste o, carry bike dey go house”…the other devilish voice was like “hanhan, ow many bottle you take now wey u dey feel say you don waste? oga, you fit trek home” unfortunately, I heard d latter. So I started walking home.
The distance is impossible to walk if Sayo wasn’t involved but on that level, I could trek Naija to Soweto. I walked and got to my street when the major event of day happened. Suddenly, I saw this big river (twasn’t there before I left for the bar o) and live in my presence I saw a goat drowning…OMG!…I couldn’t see a life die on me so I went on a rescue mission. I took off my shirt and I plunged into the river. The waves was so much but I went with the flow (thanks for watching Jack Bauer and his movie moves). I swam towards the goat and held him…tried pulling him out of the river but the weight was overwhelming…Omo see gobe…I can see the look on the helpless goat so I shouted “hold on, you can’t die on me”…So I tried more. I must rescue this goat. The more I tried, the more it was impossible to save this goat. I noticed the weight of the goat ll drown us both so I have no option than reluctantly let go….God and all the angels will bear me witness I tried.
I was about leaving the goat when I noticed people on the river bank watching and making comments like “oh, aye o…Shayo o da o…Wo omo’kunrin yi bo se di mo Okuta nla ninu gutter…o le ro wipe eyan loun di mo yen o” meaning “gosh, life!…drinking is bad. see that guy holding on to a rock in the gutter as if he is hugging a human” other comments like “wetin dis fine Bros drink now come dey swim inside dis dirty yanmayanma gutter water”, one said “oga, so our gutter na your swimming pool now?”…it was this moment I realised I was in our street drainage aka gutter and the goat I am holding is a a big rock and not a river…Jesu!…Shayo and konji na bastard…Shame! disgust!…I came out of the gutter and went home. I couldn’t go out for like 2 weeks after that incidence…I swear, I won’t drink again.
Tales of a naija guy.
My name is ArkBishop all I do is talk
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